Sunday, June 21, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Out of respect for Jeremy I am replying with my honest feelings. My family means more to me than anything and when I see one of them hurting, I become very protective and want only the best for them. I never had any issues with you and I will support my brother's decisions if that's what makes him happy. However, I have never seen Jeremy so stressed in his entire life until he met you. You have done nothing but pressure Jeremy to financially provide for you and your children. You have done nothing but pressure Jeremy and give him ultimatums that in my eyes are way beyond what one normal man can provide. You expect him to uproot his life. Have you ever put your feelings aside just once and thought about how Jeremy feels? Or have you ever taken the time to stop and compromise and make it about what is best for the both of you, and not just yourself? Have you ever thought that maybe you should be the one to uproot and change your life instead of him? I have never understood how you could expect a guy you hardly know to financially provide for you when you weren't even close to being married? You have put so much pressure on him Tosha he was physically and mentally drained to the point of being ill. He was trying to start a business last year when he took over my aunt's bar. He was working his ass off day and night doing his BEST to make ends meet and make you happy, plus making how many trips to Denver to see you. But you continued to pressure him. He finally got the bar up and going but he dropped all of that to move to Williston so he can make more money to provide for you. But still it does not seem good enough. This day and age both people are out working full time jobs to make ends meet, one man can't provide for a family with six kids plus two adults.
So I guess what I am trying to say Tosha is that I lost all respect when I saw how big of a toll this whole relationship has taken on my brother. Jeremy is not only my brother, he is one of my best friends. To see how stressed he is angers me. I want to help him, I want to fix it and make him happy again. He has not been himself in the last year because all of this stress has changed him. You are making him choose between you and his family Tosha and that is where I draw the line. I have dealt with enough crap in my life and I have learned that life is too short to be unhappy and stressed out all the time. Think of all the time you have wasted fighting with Jeremy and putting stress on him to take care of you. When does it stop? When will it ever be good enough for you? It seems it has always only been about my brother providing for you. He has given his all and he continues to work his ass off, show nothing for himself, because he is giving everything to make you happy. And the impression that I get is no matter how hard my brother tries, not matter what he does to give you what you want, in the end it will never be good enough. And that is what I have a problem with. I want the best for my brother and I want to see him happy. I want him to be able to be himself and not have to walk on water in order to make you happy. One wrong move and he sinks every time. He is only one person and he is doing his best. "
Friday, May 15, 2015
I have visited the first four steps in the grieving process, the loss of family , the loss of a person and his promises, loss of hope, trust and security.
1. In denial and isolation-isolation actually not chosen by me but I tried so hard to ignore glaring truths
2. Angry-raging angry and disappointed at my response of the desire the hurt those who hurt me like I was pained, godly, no , but very human. I think everyone has been here.
3. Then I Bargained- months and months of " let's try doing this if this is changed and if that is different". Never worked. Never would. One thing you never ask from a person who intentionally and knowingly breaks promises is, never ask for promises. They won't keep them, because in this case, I and the children were not worth keeping them, for whatever reason. When your worth isn't consistent with what you're receiving in enters
4. Depression - I think everyone has been here too and it's self explanatory. And I'm halfway between this and
5. Acceptance. In essence I've come to terms with the fact that other people's actions have affected this family consisting of me and my children for far too long.
The trick to best utilizing my counselors to address my cognitive behavior, change my reactions and approaches enough to either protect myself and the kids or change the usual outcomes ( people I attract, people I value, people I revere and the qualities I (we) need to be nurtured or a combination .
Regardless of why I have been a single parent for so long that its expectations in itself have been taking a toll on my physical health. I'm so outnumbered. I am tired and I experience the spectrum of emotions from me AND my kids,daily. Minutely lol.
I wish the anxiety would quit sinking into my bones and cause me to recall the trauma I have been put through, but that 's a separate process too, so I bounce around .
The good news is I'm in good health even after figuring out child care prior to going to the ER, my actual muscle of a heart is good but the stress is settling in. After a series of rests and labs I'm exhausted and will go to bed now. Tomorrow another great release , acupuncture and then I get to see my lovely couple counselors( they're the couple not me I'm dong this only own for the future off and the children ". I've been alone before doing it and am more than happy to work hard to be the best parent and woman even now that I can be. I have no intentions of being an island we were given others in our lives for a purpose.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Monday, April 6, 2015
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Monday, December 29, 2014
Thursday, November 27, 2014
"And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me, Summer, Autumn,Winter,Spring."
True to G-d's way, in these very thoughts this morning I came across a friend sharing this story about the beautiful and persistent Soldanelle flower, I've shared its image as a true testimony of how you can bloom where you're planted.