Sunday, June 21, 2015

Reflection on Father's Day

I am so blessed with an amazing father who throughout my life always CHOSE me just like my G-d in Heaven. Before his desires, activities and views he had established long before my mom and I , and sister existed in his life me, he placed us as his top priority and he still continues to do so extending his heart for Christ all the way down to my children.Happy Father's Day to him.

I wanted to share beautiful illustration for family time today, when I heard it I thought of my kids, having spent the large portion of their lives without the full and consistent presence of fathers, in the ways their hearts have needed. There is such power in the heart and I have faith G-d provides for us all where the world cannot . 
Adapted  by Elizabeth Unger 

"Teddy Stallard certainly qualified as “one of the least” interested in school. He was musty,
clothing wrinkled, hair never combed, and whenever Miss Thompson, his fifth grade teacher,
spoke to him, he always answered in monosyllables. He was unattractive, distant, and just plain
hard to like.
His teacher said she loved all her class the same, but deep down inside she wasn’t being
completely honest with herself. Whenever she corrected Teddy’s papers, she got a certain
perverse pleasure out of putting big red “X’s” next to his wrong answers, and when she put an
“F” on the top of his test papers, she always did it with a flair. She should have known better,
she knew more about Teddy than she wanted to admit.  His records read:

1st Grade: Teddy shows promise with his work, has poor home environment.

2nd Grade: Teddy could do better. His mother seriously ill. He receives little help from home.

3rd Grade: Teddy is a good boy, but he is too serious. He is a slow learner, his mother died 
last year.

4th Grade: Teddy is very slow, but well-behaved. His father shows no interest in him.

Christmas came, and Miss Thompson’s class brought her presents. They piled their gifts on her
desk and crowded around to watch her open them. Among them was one from Teddy. His gift
was wrapped in plain brown paper, and held together with scotch tape. On the paper he had
written these simple words, “For Miss Thompson, From Teddy.” When she opened his present
out fell a gaudy rhinestone bracelet, with some of the stones missing, a used bottle of cheap

The other boys and girls began to giggle and smirk over Teddy’s gifts, but Miss Thompson at
least had the good sense to silence them by trying on the bracelet, and spraying some of the
perfume on her wrist. Stretching out her hand toward the children she asked, “Doesn’t it smell
lovely?” Taking their cue from their teacher, the children agreed with “oo’s” and “ah’s”.

At the end of the school day, Teddy lingered behind after the other children had left. He slowly
approached her desk and said, “Miss Thompson, my mother’s bracelet looks real pretty on you.
And you smell just like my mother, the perfume was her’s too. Whenever I miss her, I smell her
perfume and it reminds me of her! I’m glad you liked my presents.” When Teddy left, Miss
Thompson got down on her knees and wept as she asked God to forgive her.

The next day the children were greeted by a new teacher. Miss Thompson had become a
different person. She no longer was just a teacher, she had become an agent of God’s love. She
was committed to loving her class, and doing things for them that would live on after her. She
helped all the children, especially the slow ones, and especially Teddy. By the end of the school
year Teddy showed dramatic improvement. He had caught up with most of the class, and was
even ahead of some.

She didn’t hear from Teddy for a long time. Then one day, years later, she received a graduation
announcement with an enclosed note.

Dear Miss Thompson:
I want you to be the first to know that I will be graduating second in my high school
class. Thank you for believing in me when no one else did.
Teddy Stallard

Four years later, another graduation announcement.

Dear Miss Thompson:
I’ve just been informed that I will be graduating first in my college class. The work was
challenging, but I enjoyed it. Thank you for all that you have done for me.
Teddy Stallard

Finally she received the most exciting graduation announcement of them all.

Dear Miss Thompson:
As of today, I am Theodore Stallard, M.D. How about that? I wanted you to be the
first to know. I’m getting married next month, the 27th to be exact. I want you to come and sit
where my mother would sit if she was alive. My father died this past year, you’re the only
family I have now.
Dr. Theodore Stallard, M.D" 

We cannot choose everything in our life including our family. But we can choose to build a family for ourselves in faith and fellowship and live free and fulfilled . 

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Processing- the beginning of the end

I'm the first to say in most instances of relationships involving two people, the demise of them generally involves substantial contribution on behalf of both parties. I can say my last relationship involved more like 5 or 6 people and I was in most instances,not a participant. My reaction and what manifested of course was my responsibility. 

I had been in this relationship, long distance for about two years. He said all of the right, uplifting,and endearing things. He spoke of our future together with my children, promised to move to where we lived since day one. He sent me texts confessing he deemed me his wife, what he was waiting for and wished to build a family. He sent emoticons with a ring and hearts. He told me he'd accepted not having children until he met me .

When we met I was a financially strapped single mom with an ex with odd undying devotions to us. I had no money and few ways to make ends meet. He'd mock my child support "we don't need his (measly ) money". 

I thought G-d had finally delivered. Finally we would have security in all realms. He and I were not financially yoked when it came to being good stewards of our financial benefits. I look to the future, budget and sacrifice my desires when things are tight. He would spend and worry about it later. 

This came the spending and us doing without. I called upon his promises,trusting he'd do as he said he would . I traveled a couple of times to meet and interact with his family. They looked through me and took no time to learn about me or my children or family. If one of my boys brought a prospective spouse home from far away,I'd immerse myself in knowing and learning her story. I would prepare a banquet and beg her into our home to connect with her life and approaches. And I will. My children don't belong to me they belong to G-d and I can only pray they will follow the path I raised them on ultimately. All seemed well at the surface and then came his sister unfriending me on FB. Odd. Especially for someone whose neither claimed I was an important part of his life and for all the promises he made. 

It bothered me for so long and I would ask him what the problem was. He claimed there was no problem, but that his sister was cleaning out her social media account. Still odd. More confusing still was the fact that she maintained for a long time contact with their brother's girlfriend , who ultimately ended up cheating on him. 

Finally he grew slightly hostile at me for asking and said "whatever your problems are with you two you figure it out, I don't want to be involved". He elaborated on how hard HIS life was because"we" didn't get along. Confusing at best since I had no issue? So , for his sake I messaged her and asked what had occurred without my knowledge and how could we improve it for his sake. Honest, open, non-confrontational, no malice. Here's the response I received : 

Tosha - 

Out of respect for Jeremy I am replying with my honest feelings. My family means more to me than anything and when I see one of them hurting, I become very protective and want only the best for them. I never had any issues with you and I will support my brother's decisions if that's what makes him happy. However, I have never seen Jeremy so stressed in his entire life until he met you. You have done nothing but pressure Jeremy to financially provide for you and your children. You have done nothing but pressure Jeremy and give him ultimatums that in my eyes are way beyond what one normal man can provide. You expect him to uproot his life. Have you ever put your feelings aside just once and thought about how Jeremy feels? Or have you ever taken the time to stop and compromise and make it about what is best for the both of you, and not just yourself? Have you ever thought that maybe you should be the one to uproot and change your life instead of him? I have never understood how you could expect a guy you hardly know to financially provide for you when you weren't even close to being married? You have put so much pressure on him Tosha he was physically and mentally drained to the point of being ill. He was trying to start a business last year when he took over my aunt's bar. He was working his ass off day and night doing his BEST to make ends meet and make you happy, plus making how many trips to Denver to see you. But you continued to pressure him. He finally got the bar up and going but he dropped all of that to move to Williston so he can make more money to provide for you. But still it does not seem good enough. This day and age both people are out working full time jobs to make ends meet, one man can't provide for a family with six kids plus two adults. 

So I guess what I am trying to say Tosha is that I lost all respect when I saw how big of a toll this whole relationship has taken on my brother. Jeremy is not only my brother, he is one of my best friends. To see how stressed he is angers me. I want to help him, I want to fix it and make him happy again. He has not been himself in the last year because all of this stress has changed him. You are making him choose between you and his family Tosha and that is where I draw the line. I have dealt with enough crap in my life and I have learned that life is too short to be unhappy and stressed out all the time. Think of all the time you have wasted fighting with Jeremy and putting stress on him to take care of you. When does it stop? When will it ever be good enough for you? It seems it has always only been about my brother providing for you. He has given his all and he continues to work his ass off, show nothing for himself, because he is giving everything to make you happy. And the impression that I get is no matter how hard my brother tries, not matter what he does to give you what you want, in the end it will never be good enough. And that is what I have a problem with. I want the best for my brother and I want to see him happy. I want him to be able to be himself and not have to walk on water in order to make you happy. One wrong move and he sinks every time. He is only one person and he is doing his best. "

I was emotionally destroyed. In one response, she undid my entire foundation of trust, love and respect for our relationship. 

With a few keystrokes she destroyed my faith in him and our relationship, called into question my discernment as a mother, attacked my motivation for being in the relationship, challenged my belief system on priorities and called into question what exactly was he telling them and where his loyalties lied.

I grew depressed, doubtful and hopeless and this came on the heels of other questionable events involving his family members. I sensed discord and destruction and I should've heeded my own warnings. 

What about what he was telling and promising me? What about what I brought to the table? Should my hard earned bonus have been spent on strippers for their brother? What about the shameless lies that would follow ?

I plan to address the truth of this letter in my future journals further.

Until then I will call upon what I know is true of me by G-d's standard and will not allow her to take that significant power from me ever again .

Friday, May 15, 2015


I'm only even awake at this hour because I've returned home from the Emergency Room and am trying to wind down and I'm trying to recall the course of events. While I feel I've suffered injustices as have the kids, I feel I'm going through a certain cycle of grieving. But what am I grieving truthfully? Primarily the loss of promise and certain incidents that have caused me incredible and undue stress. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am so fortunate to have been blessed with a great team of counselors who are working for me and are advocating for the children as well. Our family as a unit is benefitting from a new outlook of worth that should be demonstrated through the consistent means we're regarded.

I have visited the first four steps in the grieving process, the loss of family , the loss of a person and his promises, loss of hope, trust and security.

I was
1. In denial and isolation-isolation actually not chosen by me but I tried so hard to ignore glaring truths
2. Angry-raging angry and disappointed at my response of the desire the hurt those who hurt me like I was pained, godly, no , but very human. I think everyone has been here.
3. Then I Bargained- months and months of " let's try doing this if this is changed and if that is different". Never worked. Never would. One thing you never ask from a person who intentionally and knowingly breaks promises is, never ask for promises. They won't keep them, because in this case, I and the children were not worth keeping them, for whatever reason. When your worth isn't consistent with what you're receiving in enters
4. Depression - I think everyone has been here too and it's self explanatory. And I'm halfway between this and
5. Acceptance. In essence I've come to terms with the fact that other people's actions have affected this family consisting of me and my children for far too long.

The trick to best  utilizing my counselors to address my cognitive behavior, change my reactions and approaches enough to either protect myself and the kids or change the usual outcomes ( people I attract, people I value, people I revere and the  qualities I (we) need to be nurtured or a combination .

Regardless of  why I have been a single parent for so long that its expectations in itself have been taking a toll on my physical health. I'm so outnumbered. I am tired and I experience the spectrum of emotions  from me AND my kids,daily. Minutely lol.

I wish the anxiety would quit sinking into my bones and cause me to recall the trauma I have been put through, but that 's a separate process too, so I bounce around .

The good news is I'm in good health even after figuring out child care prior to going to the ER, my actual muscle of a heart is good but the stress is settling in. After a series of rests and labs I'm exhausted and will go to bed now. Tomorrow another great release , acupuncture  and then I get to see my lovely couple counselors( they're the couple not me I'm dong this only own for the future off and  the children ". I've been alone before doing it and am more than happy to work hard to be the best parent and woman even now that I can be. I have no intentions of being an island  we were given others in our lives for a purpose.

Sunday, May 3, 2015


After a serious loss in I think 2011, I had my first panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack at 35 and all I could hear was my dad telling me that most people who experience this at a young age are "dead before they hit the floor" .

I had just had a medical procedure and I was already experiencing loss and most likely hormone induced depression. In my last three pregnancies I had more sadness and exhaustion than the others. However the last three, the fathers were also absent during the pregnancy . Let's face it I have a lot of children and it was a huge undertaking, especially by myself. And then there was the grace disappointment of my circumstances where I had been ensured the raising of these children would not be my sole responsibility. Douse that with high blood pressure , anemia, absolutely no sleep, and see real young siblings to tend to and at some points businesses to run, and homeschooling this is a recipe for disaster. 

I had no idea what an anxiety attack was but I do now! I felt dizzy, and a pain in my arm, short of breath. It comes as no surprise that I was alone to deal with this as well. I am always reluctant to ask my mom for help because she always brings an annoying energy to these situations that sometimes are counter productive. I actually think this was more paranoia of a botched problem, like a blood clot or something. Of course the person I was in a relationship at the time who probably should've been present the entire time, was unavailable and elsewhere. He came a couple of days later but, the event was alone. 

This one I can discount to an actual side effect of my procedure. I also failed to recall my recent workouts and tired arm muscles lol. But since I have had similar symptoms. It comes on suddenly an unidentified sinking feeling, numbness in arms, and for me I'm can get anxious and then that instills panic and makes it worse. I had another trip to the ER recently because it's better safe than sorry, like I said, I have a ton of kids. I couldn't breath, I felt like my chest was turning inside out, the most frightening of symptoms, was the tingling of my arms. As if all of the blood was leaving them. They felt hollow .   I could never tell why they happened until I started paying attention to the circumstances and more importantly the players. 

I recognized here recently that there were some similar themes. 
1. Hormones. I was either pregnant or under a year post partum. Yeah that's...Annoying. 
2. My relationship and his family. These episodes have always been attached to some action taken against me. Of course by their recollection nothing was malicious in intent and all purely innocent. All me and my feelings and security being of lesser value than mine. 

It was always and me versus all of them, him included. Even when I was having a hard time with my last pregnancy, they knowingly continued to add stress to me endangering both me and my unborn child. 

Oddly enough alone is the common thread that ultimately weaves itself through my life. Alone in my thoughts, alone with my feelings . Alone to pick up where others abandon. 

I just remember him promising from the very absolute beginning he would be here, move to build a life with me and the kids and as we can see he never did. Instead it was innumerable reasons why he couldn't, some initially invalid , then valid and now back to invalid. Always telling me he deemed me his "wife". "And a man shall leave his mother (and father) and cleave to his wife and the two shall be one" 

I'll never understand his zero contact for nearly 8 months of a newborn's life to simply ensure he could spend time with his family. Complete abandonment and broken promises. Oddly he says too all I did was talk about the negative stuff but when did this occur with no contact ? No clue. He blames me for that and it's all so deep seeded it makes my head spin. And he said it was MY fault lol my fault. Because HE was discontent with me. Cool. Rest assured he was not my favorite person either I had nearly bled out after having the baby in which he was absent, having never moved, because of the struggles he knew about during the pregancy and disregarded with his family. Nonetheless, I was here, being a parent. Alone. 

And the cycle never ended and I'm not allowed to talk about it without being met with sarcasm and threats. And ofcourse that's not healthy to suppress. But I tried it and then as to be expected would explode. 

I have amazing church support and counselors now that are helping me to function for me a see past this gas lighting. The making me believe I was crazy, that my recollection was inaccurate and my disappointments and feelings were invalid, "dumb, stupid". Fun fact about gas lighting "The 1938 stage play Gas Light, known as Angel Street in the United States, and the film adaptations released in1940 and 1944 motivated the origin of the term because of the systematicpsychological manipulation used by the main character on a victim. The plot concerns a husband who attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment, and subsequently, insisting that she is mistaken or remembering things incorrectly when she points out these changes" . It's a form of mental abuse where someone tries to discount or confuse reality. This happened consistently with the hopes I would just drop the facts of poor behavior on behalf of him and his family or be persuaded it didn't occur exactly as it did. For YEARS. I had learned  not to use his money or it would allow him the freedom to use it as a means to justify his selfish ways. So I found it best to rely upon my resources first. Again alone. 

 Iam in operation "see my worth or leaves life" . New boundaries are even being set with my kids so I don't feel the need to be angry. Not ready to go? We're not going. House a mess? I'm going and I'll be happy to return after you have cleaned up your messes. 

I was not permitted to talk about my relationship issues without it being redirected . " So you've never gotten mad?" "So you've never... ??blah blah blah ." Ok fine then I'll fix me and then what was he going to do ? Nothing. One counseling session and more of the same behaviors. I would often try to just keep it all to myself. 

Not anymore. I can't talk to the offending parties so I'll do it here. Blog. Journal. Pray. Seek. Repeat. Probably no one will follow me on this journey unless they happen upon this blog and that's fine. It's a journey nonetheless. 

I'm going to now examine the truths that contributed to the demise of that relationship without the mockery and defense of it and the accusations that my attempts to process it with him were annoyances and nothing more. 

Searching for rest and breath

It's been a long time since I've written. This is not by design but more for survival. I cannot believe what has happened to me and my children at the hands of other people.

I realized I've been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. This isn't like the valiant soldiers who have seen far worse than me. This is me, experiencing life and my consequences of other people's actions. I've deactivated my FB account to guard my home . I'm sad and will  miss my friends. But people who want to will seek us and lift us up and if they don't , Jesus is coming. 

I've been cheated on, lied to and deceived and I've been extremely emotional as a result. I've been made to feel that my concerns and feelings are small. And my life insignificant while pregnant and after his birth . 

It's time to face it head on. It's time for me to stop the insanity. Stop the pleading, begging, fighting and raging because I can't figure it out alone. 

I'm tired of hearing that my emotional strife can be dismissed by statements like, " I don't agree" and " ok , whatever" . That for some reason made me hostile. 

I don't understand how people can inflict such pain and insist it's all small and "dumb" or "stupid" . I've messed up, I've lost my temper and self control and my tongue . It's out of fear and frustration. Never again will I allow such weakness to response be my defining behavior. My kids need more and so do I. 

It's not small to me and I matter too. My children matter more. Despite circumstances and how I feel I've been here. Mom.mommy. Mom. I don't get to break down. I don't get to check out for days, weeks, months or years on end. 

I ve gone through the rage. Where I want someone to feel pain like me. And I've learned I need a better way .

Today I was told if someone couldn't do what he planned behind my back for his own benefit, he'd become"the biggest asshole I've ever seen", 

I feel panicked and groveling for security that I can't provide by myself and family.
I feel threatened and scared for my emotional health and the security of stability for my children.

I want to disappear. But, I never can because the likes of these will not rise to the occasion of filling my void. 

I can't provide for us by myself but I cannot live in this prison where if I grant myself a moment's peace, it will be met by an askew justification why promises made to me can be broken at my and our expense.

I'm afraid for myself. I'm afraid for my baby and I'm afraid for our future

I've had nightmares for months, I cannot sleep soundly. And I'm told I'm not enough over and over. 

I want to secure my children's future before mine. But, I cannot even do that.

So many unknowns and so many people deciding for us. 

Heavenly Father, fight for me and my children, I'm growing weary and the opposition is growing strong and standing against us . 

Monday, April 6, 2015

Making sense of nonsense

A short entry in processing. When you run out of trusted "safe" outlets, there is power in the keyboard. In my own frustrations, I've  been watching very closely the behaviors, thoughts and functionality of friends and members of support groups in regards to people who have been in relationships where one party has been unfaithful or dishonest or secretive, enter whichever adjective you wish to enter here they're all fairly synonomous in the scope of violating trusts 

Something I've noticed is the true presence of the desire to be desired and the genuine wish that the offending party would be not only apologetic for but moreso truly sorry for the hurt they caused. Instead , the damages souls find themselves moreso in the Twilight Zone where nothing makes sense. 

Something else I've noticed is the inexplicable levels of impatience on behalf of the offender in the victim having to mourn the loss of that trust. And more interestingly and annoyingly, the shifting of blame. I've discovered this blaming the victim is common, if you don't believe me just google something to the effects of " why do cheaters blame the other person? " or " why do people lie and then blame others " . You'll get the same responses... 

A murderer or thief as mandated under the laws of the land have done wrong and caused injustice. Therefore they must stand before a judge or in some cases, a jury to hear the restitution deemed acceptable in relationship to the actions on behalf of the people, society, those who suffered the injustice.  What you will not see is the opportunity ,in a court of law, for the defendant to determine and then fulfill their own sentence. 

Why then are cheaters and liars under the assumption they can cause afflictions and determine the nature and duration of their consequences? And in so many cases I've seen,they act hostily and in disgust of the product they've produced in their victims.

So I began looking at the psychology of it and long story short, it makes absolutely no sense. Many of these "get over it, why can't you get over it, leave the past in the past" mentalities are at best selfish and further, truly narcissistic. Best case scenario is the offender is guilty , and immature. 

What's my favorite constant in these instances (brace for sarcasm)  My favorite is most definitely the fact that the person who violates and oversteps the boundaries of their relationship and thus their partner's trust then begins to damn the partner for the emotional aftermath. This includes: rage, distrust, depression, isolation and sadness. But they didn't care about their pain before their actions so why bother worrying about it after the fact right? Let's just insult and say the injured party never suffered the injury and if they did, forget the brokenness like that of a broken bone, disregard the accepted course of healing action (in the case of a broken bone , a cast) and just disregard the need for a healing process. No. And nowhere have I found it to be so. I did find a very informative article written by Sheri Myers Psy.D as quoted below. Rest assured victims can and DO get over it and for these reasons so the behavior is NEVER excused.

"Getting past the pain of betrayal can be difficult and forgiveness can seem impossible. I've seen friends in this situation - locked in an endless well of bitterness, hurt and blame that's left them untrusting, depressed and lonely. Some remained single for years after a breakup, unhappy and convinced that there were "no good people" out there. Long after the divorce, the betrayal kept affecting them and their choices, over and over again.

This is why forgiveness is so important when you've been betrayed. Forgiveness is not about them as much as it is about you and creating a better, emotionally healthier future for yourself. After infidelity, you are the one that lives with the rage, jealousy and feelings of victimhood, not the cheater.

Forgiveness means letting go of the anger related to cheating, not condoning what the cheater did.

Forgiveness is the choice to not suffer.

Maybe you're telling yourself that you want to feel better first before you extend forgiveness. What I'm suggesting is that you'll feel better faster if you forgive first!

Forgiveness is not saying "What you did to me was OK" it's declaring, "I'm not carrying this anymo re ".

To start the process of forgiveness you must first give yourself permission, out loud, to heal and move on. In doing so, you are acknowledging that you are ready to see beyond the pain of today and project a brighter, more joyful future where you are loving, happy, and clear of anger and guilt. What happened is in the past and cannot be changed or controlled. What you can control is your current actions and emotions. You can reflect on what happened and make wiser decisions in the future.

The way back to love is choosing peace over anger, love over hate and forgiveness over blame and resentment. Remember, forgiveness is not about the person who hurt you. It's about you, your future and opening your heart to receive love and trust again." 

Trust again indeed. And trust when the injury heals up just like a broken bone sometimes it's stronger . So what happens when we realize our value and realize we have a right to heal on OUR terms and better yet G-d's terms and with your HELP not your accusations, deflections and outright resistance.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Faithfulness? Spiritual, religious

I haven't blogged in awhile, one of life's cruelest tricks, busyness. But I find it a good touch point in my life to reflect and assess and record. 

I've been living for quite some time at the mercy of many others who had heavy influence or others making decisions on my behalf and as an extension, on behalf of my children. Anyone who has walked through the demise of my two marriages with me knows this well. And I was in the minority of making extraordinary efforts to remain faithful. 

So now I find myself in a place where decisions made for me but not by me are affecting us in highly impactful ways and moreso because we have experienced strife and struggle before and we enter in damaged. 

Part of the great mystery of faith and faithfulness is discerning what is truly right. I most definitely believe that G-d wants the best for us and in our minds of lesser complexities, we can easily believe what we think is consistent with the anointings of the Holy Spirit. I have been witnessing more frequently lately that there is a new "modernized" Christianity. This mentality " I want this and surely G-d wants me to be happy so therefore I can deduce that G-d wants this for me too ". The problem I see is that though times have changed our Alpha and Omega ( beginning and end) are still the same. While Christians believe we are saved from our sins through Jesus' sacrifice , is it taken for granted? Maybe so, because we are still walking with the same G-d as Adam and Eve and all of the patriarchs and believers who have gone before us.

take time to revisit a number of books I've studied in depth over the years and then of course my Bible. I do this because I find it interesting how different messages can pop up off the page as they relate to different stages of life.

I've heard the book of Ephesians debated at great length many times and have quite frankly heard portions of it being considerably distorted in attempts to force compliance in relationships and then further deteriorate the actual UNIONS G-d designed .

In a counseling session last week, it was emphasized that certain restrictions and boundaries are placed upon us by G-d, clearly because in His true infinite wisdom , He knows that there are troubles on the horizon in any way.

My latest struggle, how to approach those who claim to be believers but who adamantly negate and dispose of fundamental verses.

So I have always battled between the charge ( and boy what a charge it is) to be a mother who raises her children on a faith that is quickly losing its popularity and maintains a Christ-centered home, and balancing being a Christian wife. This is especially difficult as one directly impacts the other. We all know "do as I say not as I do" doesn't work with kids. But what about influences that AREN'T you . 

So enters one of my greatest supporters and prayer warriors, and she leads me to 1 Corinthians 7 which was actually a verse I referenced often when I wanted to give up on my previous marriage. In my current place, I have been seeking G-d's expectations for the faithful spouses when their counterparts maintain pursuits, behaviors and theories and ideology that contradicts not only G-d's will but also their very own promises and proclamations. 

1 Corinthians 7 New International Version (NIV)

Concerning Married Life

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt youbecause of your lack of self-control.I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

"If the unbeliever leaves," faithful ones, yhere is freedom. So the truth is, perhaps the happiness so many seek and seek and seek will never be reached until it is understood we are wired for eternity. And the complete satisfaction of the fulfillment of blessings is reserved for the faithful. In Heaven. "Your will be done, on earth as it is on Heaven". 

What does an unbeliever look like? I suspect but at the end of the day I don't know and am not going to make it my business to monitor. I think everyone has an angel and a devil on their shoulder like in the classic cartoons where we are given choices to follow the voice of one or the other.

While I agree some words and actions seem blatant and definitive, our judge  in Heaven has the pleasure of hearing the process to reaching our decisions and the deep down meditations of our hearts and minds, even if they are the dark and fleeting ones that are stifled to the point some have convinced even themselves don't exist.

So justice. As I sit here and listen to the sounds of waves reaching the sand and recessing, I have always heard the voice of G-d carried in the whispering currents. Blessed are the faithful and those who stand for justice for those who cannot go it alone. And I pray tonight too for the faithful. May G-d bind ungodly actions, thoughts and influences, may He bind oppressive viewpoints and depression and may He loose the strongest of His fleet to battle for truth and justice for those feeling weak and deceived that they may be blessed and protected. I call upon the G-d of the Psalmist David and I pray reward for those who in their human imperfections,still strive to cloak themselves in the full armor of G-d. Heal hearts, minds and bodies of all that harbors their deterioration . 

I have just been led elsewhere as this image popped in my head so I had to go search for it. Since it leads me down another rabbit hole of thoughts I'll have to write about it later....

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Sick...and tired

It's 3:27. I put him down finally after hours of trying at 11:30 and he's been up twice since then. I am not looking forward to another sleepless night only to awaken to another uncooperative and disrespectful morning.

Of course I've prayed and tried all of my "I'm good enough, I'm strong enough and gosh darn it, people like me" positive affirmations and every Christian cliché known to man. I have verses on my mirrors and gratitude cards on my dresser. Here's the truth,my attitude of gratitude is non-existent. And why , because the theme of my past year and further has been, lack of cooperation and consideration and sheer exhaustion.

I consider myself a fairly experienced and knowledgable parent from a number of perspectives but the truth is, I have no clue what this child's problem is. I do know what mine is. I'm sick.. And tired. I had no intentions of adding more to my plate as a result of selfishness and broken promises. That's the simple answer. So, as I have once again risen to the occasion of being a single parent, this time I'm actually growing angry. I've tried it all, rocking, singing, walking, humming, standing, patting, Tylenol, teething tablets, lavender essential oils,chamomile essential oils ,letting him cry, not letting him cry, milk, my bed, his bed .... All tags resulted is him still waking up and me looking at all the things that cause me actual pain now. And it's resulted in me with extreme exhaustion, perpetually tangled hair, a pinched neck and resulting headaches, a shorter fuse and an overall poor outlook on my family.

Children are children I know, but when does it ever register that, me as the only one who Iis and always has been here, tired is not great for anyone? Eventually I'm going to scream about the dish left in my room , definitely not from me because I haven't eaten in days, and that is in direct violation of the forever standing "no food upstairs" rule, the same dish I've asked ANYONE to put away. 

Sooner or later I'm bound to get pissed about all of the same daily messes that I have offered many solutions to avoid and even clean that don't involve me doing it every single time. If I go out and buy and prepare the food, how difficult is it really to retrieve it and/or even eat it? 

So I walk around the house with my lately permanent infant hip fixture and notice , the dog my eldest promised to and has left for us to care for has eaten his second loaf of bread this week and has chewed corners of the beautiful leather sofa . Same socks on the floor, a million dishes in the sink, not even a step away from the dishwasher. But, the dishwasher is full. It's always full because the child responsible for the chore won't do it without a minimum of 10 reminders.

I can at least get the baby dressed for the early morning we have because the kids have a field trip that requires me to leave the house early. However, it becomes me refolding all of his clothes in his baskets because everyone rummages and leaves the coordinated and folded outfits a mess. And each room has it's own reflection of discourtesy to display. That makes me even more tired. Clutter is draining . 

I catch a glimpse of the disgusting and cluttered bathroom counter in the kids' bathroom. And I'm trying to tell myself, I'm thankful I have legs to walk with him, the ability to provide him milk, I'm grateful for his smile, I'm thankful for her generosity. Over and over, please continue to bless us. But I'm still angry. 

I've had friend tell me that no one told me to have so many children. Rude and assumptive , yes. And bullshit. People did discuss them with me and then decided later that they would prefer to place their desires and needs first and even more insulting, OTHER people's desires and happiness before that. Parenting was intended for two people. 

So here I am about to face another day for everyone else with no sleep and less desire. Tired of people not caring about me as I do them. I'm sorry, I can be thankful for G-d's portion and blessings, but I am not thankful for the selfishness of humanity nor will I try to make excuses for the egocentricity in this world . 

So, do I try to lay him down and run the risk of starting over or do I sit here with the same awkward position so I can half doze off and feel half paralyzed in two hours when everyone gets up , stomps around, turn the lights on and re wake him anyway? Sigh . Someone TRY to tell me I should also deny myself a Starbucks ... 

Saturday, January 10, 2015


Once again I'm grateful for the silence at night when the final little eye has closed to rest. It's true sometimes when surrounded by what seems like a million people it's absolute bliss and other times despite all of these people you can also simultaneously feel alone. 

This last year, I've literally taken on aspects of life that few believe anyone should have to endure, alone. This year I promised myself and my children I was not going to compromise on G-d's promises for us. Trust me, it has not been an approach that is thrilling to the masses nor is it gaining rave reviews. Yet, it is right and in the long run what we truly deserve. And, it's not between us and them , it's between us and Him. 

I watched one of my all-time favorite movies "When Harry Met Sally" and throughout the course of my life, of course because of the nature of its pointed outlooks on the complexes of relationships, certain messages have struck many different chords. 

I was subconsciously reflecting upon the number of movies I've watched alone, and I realized that,I'm tired of doing so. I'm tired of being expected to function alone and I'm tired of being beaten down for the times where well, I'm beaten down from exhaustion, the overwhelming feeling and knowledge that of I don't do it , literally no one will. I can be sick, I can be sad, I can be hurt, I can be angry. But I cannot be absent nor can I just break and disappear (and I'll never say there weren't times I wanted to, the importance is I didn't and haven't). Ever. 

Why then is this perfectly acceptable for those who allow themselves the right ? If I made the decisions many have made and currently make, I have no doubts I would suffer phenomenal levels of judgement." While her kids were... She did what ?!?? She was where!? who?!!" And on and on. But I'm held to an unjust, invisible,acknowledged higher standard. 

I love clarity because I am now able to recognize its moments and examine why things stand out to me.

Throughout all of "When Harry Met Sally" there's the struggle of marriage and commitment, infidelity, loss of promise and the re-establishment of trust . So as I heard the following quotes,I started to recognize the need for me to adhere to what is fair, just, right and acceptable . When I became a parent I resigned my abilities to be impulsive and selfish until they are grown (getting there,slowly but surely) and probably still not then. My parents still give me more than they expect from me. 
The most impactful quotes :

1."I'm sorry Harry I know it's New Year's Eve, I know you're feeling lonely, but you can't just show up here, tell me you 'love me' and expect that to make everything all right. It doesn't work that way." (Sally)

Hmmm. Well that seems simple and very cut and dry. What doesn't speak the loudest are words. Where and with whom people find themselves does, choices. Simple. 

2. "All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get (or for me-'be')married. But the truth is he didn't want to marry (or for me 'be married to ')me. He didn't love me." 

So this is beyond my control and sorrowfully escaped my discernment. But,if this is something that I can't control, why should it be permitted to control me? If someone doesn't want someone, there's no need to launch an individual's marketing campaign. It is about me first in this regard. 

Sally's friend was in a relationship with a married man and always clung to the hope that some day he would place her as his priority, not statistically likely but, somewhat parallel to a marriage where the importance of the marriage comes after other people, other things, other ...excuses. Not in the sight of G-d. And, all religious implications aside for those who prefer not to claim a faith, a pure heart grounded and nurtured in integrity and morals would align. 

So she clings to the hopes "He's never going to leave his wife ". And the response from all of the friends was consistently "of COURSE he isn't". 

My new facebook cover photo says "When people show you who they are believe them." If anything is worth elevating above such a serious commitment or even above you,trust it will remain there,inwardly or outwardly ,doesn't matter. 

I have a beautiful family and each day that passes I know that even on the worst days, we all manage to intentionally try to rise above and do what's right. Not what's solely right for US,but morally right. 

Sally says," I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore . I can't be your consolation prize". 

Wow. Yes and amen finally! No consolation prize. If you're not a heart priority simply because there are more fun and entertaining times, or there's an option to be elsewhere, you're not a priority! "One man's garbage, is another man's gem." Of course I have my rough edges, but my children especially and I are still gems, and like the revered diamond, the more heat and pressure we can withstand and endure, the more brilliance evolves! I choose me and them and I want to be a part of a team that does the same. We thankfully aren't for everyone , but we are priceless to someone. 

Monday, December 29, 2014

10 REAL things you didn't know you signed up for- parenting, parenting solo

There are some things you expect in becoming a parent.Sometimes I think in a grand design to secure the continuation of the human race, moms,either by lack of recall,or by some unspoken code (lol) fail to share some of the nitty gritty of being a parent.Heck I even deluded myself at the recollection of labor pains,only to be reminded with the onset of the first one in each pregnancy. 

So after probably my billionth sleepless night tending to a child that didn't feel well on my own, I decided I'm breaking the code. Here is a short list,that involved parents know all too well, of tasks you WILL be reduced to do all to hold the title of parent .(If you're fortunate enough to have help from your partner,consider it a blessing.If not, Godspeed.) 

#1. Cleaning the results of the yellow fountain. This happens during diaper changes where you've lost the standoff and didn't "rope and tie 'em" fast enough. The baby has now peed, on themselves,on their changing pad, and if a boy;you,the wall,the wall behind it,and ironically the fresh diaper you were trying to put on. 

#2.  Literally, number 2. Dooty duty.All intelligent people accept changing dirty pants are a part of the deal. The fine print: when the diaper is cleverly escaped.You may be lucky and catch it before a "smearing campaign" ensues or before you are forced to follow a treacherous footprint trail to the little Houdini. I hope you are quick enough,otherwise, not enough bleach water in the world.... Oh, and you also don't realize how much you will inspect ... Apparently form, amount and so on is an indicator of your child's health. 

#3.Attending puke fests. Disclaimer : the majority of vomiting will occur in the most inopportune places(never on easily wiped surfaces, carpeting and expensive fabrics and upholstery are preferred). They occur very late at night or during the wee hours of morning. If you're like me the sight and smell of it makes me queasy and it's all I can do to avoid joining in on the "fun". Also,if you are like me with only other children to "help". "Help" comes in the form of additional wretching,pointing, squealing "ewwww" and then freezing in time and space when you plead for ANYTHING besides your bedspread to be sacrificed :towel, trash can, bowl.... 

#4. Discarding the wrappers of evidence of "forbidden fruit" consumption. Despite having a trash can in every room, you will still within every few steps,locate candy wrappers,and wrappers,usually of sugar based snack foods they're supposed to have permission to have in the first place,  just tossed on the floor. No one will recognize "Exhibit A" when placed before them, so keep your line of questioning brief. 

#5. Search and rescue. Even if you've never seen or touched a revered possession of any member of the household,you must always know where it is.This is in your parenting contract.If your honing skills are lacking,you must drop everything you're doing and locate it urgently.You'll recall having asked them to pick up the item in question and return it to its rightful place.The logical and sweet,naive side of you will go directly to where it belongs but it won't be there. Instead you will find yourself:

#6. Discovering and evacuating petrified foods and collapsed, leaking juice boxes, and dirty inside out socks you will need to put your hands in to turn rightside out, shoved behind furniture and other visual obstacles.This includes pieces of bread from a turkey sandwich, with the meat eaten out of the center and it's inverted Ziploc bag. Also the charger for your phone someone borrowed a week ago will be back there too. 

#7. Sounding like a broken record. "Get a coat, call when you get there, call when you leave,please put your shoes away". You can sing the requests,act them out like charades, but kids have rules too. And theirs is,"the more we hear it, the less we do it." And it makes sense. 

#8. Scrubbing bright red and purple stains out of your nearby white carpet. Don't ask, it's fruitless, "I Don't Know" and "It Wasn't Me" (the two most annoying members of our family)broke the no food or drinks outside of the kitchen rule. It's magic. No one did it. 

#9. Scrubbing bright red and purple mystery globs from your kitchen counters . See number 8 in regards to the guilty party. Additionally, you'll never know WHAT it is since it's not consistent with anything you've prepared in the last week. Jello, jelly, ketchup,paint. Regardless, break out the elbow grease.

#10. Ominous wall smudges and "schmears".NEVER treat as scratch and sniff stickers.It's too real.You don't want to know what they are, if you investigate it will change who you are forever.Scrub it and move on.Trust me. 

If you only have one child you may only experience a few of these, but give them time! Remember, children operate from a pack mentality, they are all each other's teachers and apprentices! 

Good luck in your parenting journeys today,I'm there with you tired mommies. I hope each day you can shake off the bad and stick to the good, and that you laugh more than you cry.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Giving Thanks Amidst Trials

Every morning I wake up admittedly way earlier than I'd like ( I hate mornings and all things morning, and snow, sorry but it's true - human downfall lol) to the sounds of my sort of middle son's pounding , yes pounding footsteps whether he has school or not , because his internal clock has no appreciation of school breaks or vacations and he apparently lacks the ability to tip toe lightly. 

My daughters are polar opposites, my youngest is generally awake before all of the children but has learned that if mom isn't up , she can get her "shows" in , before homeschooling starts , so she is slow to alert her being awake. My oldest daughter is seemingly allergic to daylight and likes to stay up late and sleep in. Oddly, she is the one that accomplishes the most of the children in a day. 

The teenager is well, a teenager, sleeps until the last possible second , and expects everyone to be out of his way as he condenses an hour's worth of chores and preparation to leave into 15 minutes . 

My quiet, middle son is never interested in getting up, and in fact is very literal and intentional. He believes he will get up when the world has something to offer him that sparks his interest. True story. 

Sometimes earlier or almost at the same time , my youngest wakes up and I can hear him playing which lasts sometimes for 15 minutes until he starts calling for me and as if he knows that I hate mornings and that each day brings me an entirely new set of challenges, he greets me with a big smile. Trust me when I tell you , throughout this day as any , I will ask myself "why am I even here?" , heck I'll even say it out loud . Clever as always , G-d reminds me of this playful chatter and smile. 

I have more children than most, more than most married couples, that means for me going about it daily alone is even crazier. We have dynamics most will never understand . I know I take on more homeschooling but I entered into parenthood wanting to be a parent . My parents worked hard and always and I was through no fault of their own ,raised by sitters, nannies, housekeepers , their employees, teachers and dance teachers. During my younger childhood my parents struggled, a lot . It wasn't until I was in high school that the fruits of their labor financially paid off. So, it was important to me that I was present and that my children were raised by me intentionally and not by others circumstantially. 

What definitely was not part of my plan and probably not G-d's original plan was for those who vowed to walk alongside me in these daily ventures to choose other priorities. People often ask how I live my life and this is how I see it. Take the number of children you have and multiply it by two  , sometimes three,(if you have one child , well, there was a comedian once that stated that due to so many missing elements that comes with siblings, it's just not the same-lol- it's a joke not meant to offend , but I've had one,two , three and forward and I can attest there IS a difference). So, reflect on what you and your spouse do and face daily , now subtract your spouse being there when you need help or moral support. 

 Every day is like a bad highwire act starring me. It's like a wire suspended from the highest points of some structures and all I have to do is get from one side of the other every day without falling to my death and taking those I'm responsible for with me. 

As if the feat of getting across isn't a challenge in itself, I also have to balance this full bowl on my head  ( everyday parenting battles, teaching, finances, cooking, health and maintenance  ,everyday survival expectations, everyday stress , and on and on . I have this times two because there's no one to pass the torch on to when I'm overwhelmed.) In my bowl, there are smaller bowls , one each for the children who share many of the same pains , and as their mother I will carry them with me too.   On top of their bowls is that representing my parents' and their new financial and health distress . Is anyone else seeing this illustration of me like a page out of a Dr.Seuss book? 

I also have to catch and deflect balls being thrown at me. Below to my right there are people throwing balls at me as I pass by with positive and helpful input. This is good because I'm right handed so every once in awhile I'll catch one.  But, sometimes in trying to reach a miscalculated throw I waiver and have to let go to maintain balance or maybe adjust my bowls to prevent them from falling, and then , steady on.   If these people miss, they stay where they are and wait for me to cross by them again . 

There is this snickering ,  negative , left side in the form of devaluing words and actions, being told I'm not good enough as a woman ,attacks on my faith or values my children's well being. These balls are weighted , and have an even better chance of knocking me off the wire than those on the right , and if they hit their target ,and I don't fall,  they leave huge bruises and scars. If these people miss , they run along side me to remind me that they will be trying again. 

Directly below me are the people I can't tell which side they're on until their balls make contact , so not only is it hard to discern if it's worth the risk to try the catch it or to take the risk of letting a good one whiz by. This is the most irritating and disheartening group however because focus and concentration do not need the element of surprise . And steady on. 

It's  easier for me to take on the hurts , rejections and moral injustices to my children than it is for them. I've been doing it for quite some time now . Notice I said easier, not better. But at least I have minimal " highwire" training . They, do not so I have slightly better odds of getting through. Then I truly and genuinely absorb the hardships of my friends and family. I find just about no time to do anything solely for myself it's ok, it's not my season. Certainly I don't wish to do anything solely for myself that lets anyone else down. 

I remain prayerful that G-d uses our trials to open bigger and better doors for us. 

I know it seems my opening and illustration have no relations but here's the connection , our family has been taking a ton of "hits" and as the Bible says "There is a season for everything " Ecclesiastes 3. I will pray to G-d, and while I'd like Him to come on down and tap me on the shoulder and say, "Ok here I am I'm ,  here to save you all now ," He doesn't make it a common practice . He does however offer safety nets if I do fall and lifeboats when we're sinking. Pray to G-d but row to shore. He does promise better blessings for endurance and perseverance and certainly in persecution ( I know some equate persecution to extremes in physical senses, but there are various degrees of it, including punishing someone for their faith or belief system ). 

Let's face it, different things drive people  and I've spent a long time now picking up the pieces for other people and trying to glue them back to together. Things resemble the old form but you can still see the "repairs", especially from the inside . When we repair things we put the largest chips and cracks in positions that they are the least visible , so outwardly ,the piece seems whole. We spin the Christmas tree to display it's most favorable three sides , placing the sparse points into a corner or against a wall. Just because it isn't immediately obvious doesn't mean the item didn't break or the tree wasn't weathered or roughly handled . 

Those tiny moments and encouraging smiles from a child and the assurance of knowing them well, are safety nets, minor things that allow me to keep taking another step. More than that , they are a reward at the end of the rope . When I feel completely battered and immersed in cruelty and surrounded by people who are against me, it helps me see .. 

Here 's a safety net ," Tosha , I know you're a Christian woman  and want to do  good, and be helpful and do the right things. But not everyone thinks like you or is driven by what you are. Some people only know how to act how they act. These people are attacking you and your children, the well being of your children. Their mental well being is at stake here.  I mean enough has to be enough."  I thought about it , this is truth. "To everything  there IS a season". If we're going to be pursued it's time to step up my tightrope training and to hand some bowls over to those who can help , it's time to get a stronger , reinforced safety net.

I mention the song frequently , "Every Season" by Nichole Nordeman. On this Thanksgiving its lyrics are very appropriate to the physical changes in seasons and to life's seasons of change. Here's to the beauty in being immersed in cold and stifling circumstances that ordinarily do not produce life: 

"And even when the trees have just surrendered 
To the harvest time 
Forfeiting their leaves in late September 
And sending us inside 
Still I notice You when change begins 
And I am braced for colder winds 
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come 
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven 
Finally falls asleep 
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation 
Shivers underneath 
And still I notice you 
When branches crack 
And in my breath on frosted glass 
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter 
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced 
Teaching us to breathe 
What was frozen through is newly purposed 
Turning all things green 
So it is with You 
And how You make me new 
With every season’s change 
And so it will be 
As You are re-creating me, Summer, Autumn,Winter,Spring."

True to G-d's way, in these very thoughts this morning I came across a friend sharing this story about the beautiful and persistent Soldanelle flower, I've shared its image as a true testimony of how you can bloom where you're planted. 

"Far up in the Alpine hollows, year by year G-d works one of His marvels. The snow-patches lie there, frozen with ice at their edge from the strife of sunny days and frosty nights; and through that ice-crust come, unscathed, flowers that bloom.

Back in the days of the by-gone summer, the little soldanelle plant spread its leaves wide and flat on the ground, to drink in the sun-rays, and it kept them stored in the root through the winter. Then spring came, and stirred the pulses even below the snow-shroud, and as it sprouted, warmth was given out in such strange measure that it thawed a little dome in the snow above its head.

Higher and higher it grew and always above it rose the bell of air, till the flower-bud formed safely within it: and at last the icy covering of the air-bell gave way and let the blossom through into the sunshine, the crystalline texture of its mauve petals sparkling like snow itself as if it bore the traces of the flight through which it had come.

And the fragile thing rings an echo in our hearts that none of the jewel-like flowers nestled in the warm turf on the slopes below could waken. We love to see the impossible done. And so does G-d.

Face it out to the end, cast away every shadow of hope on the human side as an absolute hindrance to the Divine, heap up all the difficulties together recklessly, and pile as many more on as you can find; you cannot get beyond the blessed climax of impossibility. Let faith swing out to Him. He is the G-d of the impossible" . Taken from J.B. Cowman , Streams in the Desert . 

So while we are in the midst of so much heartbreak, feelings of abandonment, hardships and everything that leave their marks on us , while I/we weren't good enough for him, you, them, we can rest in the assurance "that G-d".. Just that "G-d". Elohim, El Roi, Yahweh we know you are near to us and have huge blessings for us . Help us to pass your tests! Help me to reach the end of the tightrope ! Help us bloom in the cold. 

"And what was frozen through is newly purposed....." 

Today we are grateful for what we do have that we desire and need and thankful for what we don't have that we don't desire or need . These people may make me crazy day in and day out and our days may not feel fulfilling to me now , but one glorious day.... And today and everyday I'm thankful for faithful hearts for G-d. Happy Thanksgiving lovies!!!