Friday, May 15, 2015
I have visited the first four steps in the grieving process, the loss of family , the loss of a person and his promises, loss of hope, trust and security.
1. In denial and isolation-isolation actually not chosen by me but I tried so hard to ignore glaring truths
2. Angry-raging angry and disappointed at my response of the desire the hurt those who hurt me like I was pained, godly, no , but very human. I think everyone has been here.
3. Then I Bargained- months and months of " let's try doing this if this is changed and if that is different". Never worked. Never would. One thing you never ask from a person who intentionally and knowingly breaks promises is, never ask for promises. They won't keep them, because in this case, I and the children were not worth keeping them, for whatever reason. When your worth isn't consistent with what you're receiving in enters
4. Depression - I think everyone has been here too and it's self explanatory. And I'm halfway between this and
5. Acceptance. In essence I've come to terms with the fact that other people's actions have affected this family consisting of me and my children for far too long.
The trick to best utilizing my counselors to address my cognitive behavior, change my reactions and approaches enough to either protect myself and the kids or change the usual outcomes ( people I attract, people I value, people I revere and the qualities I (we) need to be nurtured or a combination .
Regardless of why I have been a single parent for so long that its expectations in itself have been taking a toll on my physical health. I'm so outnumbered. I am tired and I experience the spectrum of emotions from me AND my kids,daily. Minutely lol.
I wish the anxiety would quit sinking into my bones and cause me to recall the trauma I have been put through, but that 's a separate process too, so I bounce around .
The good news is I'm in good health even after figuring out child care prior to going to the ER, my actual muscle of a heart is good but the stress is settling in. After a series of rests and labs I'm exhausted and will go to bed now. Tomorrow another great release , acupuncture and then I get to see my lovely couple counselors( they're the couple not me I'm dong this only own for the future off and the children ". I've been alone before doing it and am more than happy to work hard to be the best parent and woman even now that I can be. I have no intentions of being an island we were given others in our lives for a purpose.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Monday, April 6, 2015
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Monday, December 29, 2014
Thursday, November 27, 2014
"And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me, Summer, Autumn,Winter,Spring."
True to G-d's way, in these very thoughts this morning I came across a friend sharing this story about the beautiful and persistent Soldanelle flower, I've shared its image as a true testimony of how you can bloom where you're planted.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
9. Any conversation attempted through the door while I'm taking a shower. Or going to the bathroom . Nothing can summons a full fledged emergency like my need to take a shower. It seems like EVERYTHING has a heightened sense of urgency and simply cannot wait until it can be condensed into the ten minutes most people get to themselves. The funny thing is , they KNOW I can't hear a word they're saying. But , without fail, they will sit on the other side of the door ( muttering through the wood and the sound of running water) and repeat the same phrase over and over , each time increasing in volume .. It slips their mind that louder is not always clearer. There's no beacon to attract children like a closed bathroom door. Or a telephone on the ear.
10. "I can't find .... (Fill in the blank) From backpacks, to dance bags, shoes, laptop... I've heard them all. In all of my years as a parent I've learned that if I'm to be responsible for literally everything else, these are not my problems. Unless I was the last person to have something in my possession there's no way to know where their things are. Believe me, after all of the food trash stashed behind the sofas, and inside out socks in the Ficus tree, the locations are endless. They've improved a bit on this as well because they are realizing they have to be responsible for certain aspects of themselves... And please I'm looking for my own keys and phone lol
This leads into my new unfavorite:
"Can you please pick that up/ put that away ? "
11. "That's not mine." Great. I didn't ask you if it was yours , I asked you pick it up.There was a time I'd play along and ask "whose is it then?". This is a terrible mistake, any experienced mom knows what's coming. NO ONE claims the items as theirs and why? Because then they know they'll be expected to pick it up! I was appalled by the ownerless items always about and more annoyed by the blank stares trying to get a little help . My response became , "well fine if it's no one's , it's mine and I don't want it, I have plenty of stuff. So I'll throw it away" . FYI this proved ineffective for my children because they then would rally together outside of my presence, identify the owner amongst themselves and retrieve it for the guilty sibling from the trash. I called it "belonging hauntings", throwing something away only to trip on it again two days later...